Author Topic: God's Sense of Humour  (Read 332339 times)

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Offline HEVEN67

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God's Sense of Humour
« on: April 26, 2007, 10:46:34 AM »
Hi Folks, Does anyone know any one liners, I will start you off.
Whats black and white and eats like a horse?




A zebra!

Hey that was easy, Keep em clean,no swear words!:(
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




Real muscle cars have 3 pedals. Where theres smoke theres Tyres

Offline FST68

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« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2007, 03:02:08 PM »
not a 1 liner but its the cleanest joke I know


Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................                  
                                                                                                                                                                                 
 "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.                    
                                                                                 
 "Huey," was the reply.                                                          
                                                                                 
 "How's your day been, Huey?"                                                    
                                                                                 
                                                                                 
 "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else  
 could a duck want?" said Huey.                                                  
                                                                                 
 "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and  
 what's your name?"                                                              
                                                                                 
                                                                                 
 "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.                                  
                                                                                 
 "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.                                    
                                                                                 
                                                                                 
 "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day    
 myself. What else could a duck want?"                                          
                                                                                 
 The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"      
                                                                                 
                                         
                       "No," she said, batting her eyelashes.                    
                                                                                 
                               "My name is Puddles."

Offline dropbearracing

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« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2007, 06:20:29 PM »
WHAT DO YOU GIVE A DIRTY LITTLE FRENCHMAN WHO SAYS "I GOT EVERYTHING & IAM BETTER THAN YOU ! "
* A CAKE OF SOAP & REFUSE  HIS VISA ,HA HA  ( SORRY GUYS IN JOKE FOR ME );3

Offline ron

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« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2007, 07:33:20 PM »
Clean??!! That's hard.:+   What's the last thing that goes thru a bugs mind when he hits a windscreen?..........his bum:a
Money is made to be spent.

Offline HEVEN67

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« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2007, 07:41:04 PM »
Whats black and white and red all over?





A newspaper!:+

Good ha!!?
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




Real muscle cars have 3 pedals. Where theres smoke theres Tyres

Offline jas24zzk

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« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2007, 09:12:10 PM »
Duck walks into a bar,
"got any apples?" he asks,  
"no"  replies the bartender
so the duck leaves

Next day the duck returns to the bar,
"got any apples?" he asks,  
"no"  replies the bartender
so the duck leaves

Third day the duck returns yet again,
"got any apples?" he asks,  
"NO, and if you ask again i'll hit ya with a cricket bat!" screams the bartender
so the duck leaves

Fourth day duck returns,
"got a cricket bat?" asks the duck
"No" replies the bartender
"Got any apples?"

Cheers
Jas

Offline ron

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« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2007, 09:30:55 PM »
What is it with duck jokes? A duck walks into a chemist,Duck says.." A packet of condoms please".... Chemist asks "Would you like that on your bill?". Duck says, "What do you think I am ... a d1ckhead??!!"
Money is made to be spent.

Offline HEVEN67

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« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2007, 10:04:20 PM »
Whats big and red and shaped like a bucket?







A big red bucket:+:+:+:+:+

Whats big and blue and shaped like a bucket?








The big red bucket in disguise:+:+:+:+:+:+
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




Real muscle cars have 3 pedals. Where theres smoke theres Tyres

Offline FST68

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« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2007, 08:33:05 AM »
Heres a blond joke for ya cheers:+


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's
 doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on
 his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
 
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
 and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
 jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
 What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her
 worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like
 me from being respected at work and in the community, and from
 reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your
 kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
 blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
 
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the
 blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to
 that little shit on your knee".

Offline HEVEN67

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« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2007, 09:49:11 AM »
what do you call a fly with no wings?










A walk!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




Real muscle cars have 3 pedals. Where theres smoke theres Tyres

Offline FST68

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« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2007, 03:47:13 PM »
For the boys...


        Men strike back!



        How many men does it take to open a beer?

        None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

        Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
Probably never be able to support you.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        Why do women have smaller feet than men?

        It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the    kitchen sink.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

        When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

        ---------------------------------------------------

        How do you fix a woman's watch?

        You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        Why do men break wind more than women?

        Because w omen can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the
             front door, who do you let in first?

        The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

        A woman who won't do what she's told.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
            Always.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by
             90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        Why do men die before their wives?

        They want to.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

        ---------------------------------------------------

        In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

        Then God created Man and rested.

        Then God created Woman.

        Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

R_Beckhaus

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God's Sense of Humour
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2007, 07:22:59 PM »
Why do Brides always wear white?

So they match the rest of the whitegoods in the kitchen.

What do men and floor tiles have in common?

Lay them right the first time and they can be walked on for the rest of their lives.

Offline jas24zzk

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« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2007, 11:19:34 PM »
Why was the woman trying to cross the road??


her chain was too long

Jas

Offline HEVEN67

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« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2007, 04:47:46 PM »
Whats Red and stoopid?

No not a holden!


A blood clot!:-
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




Real muscle cars have 3 pedals. Where theres smoke theres Tyres

Offline HEVEN67

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« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2007, 05:12:37 PM »
Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




Real muscle cars have 3 pedals. Where theres smoke theres Tyres

Offline mach70

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« Reply #15 on: April 30, 2007, 10:45:28 PM »
2 Irishmen are trying to figure out a way to measure the height of a flag pole. After many hours of frustration using a tape measure with no luck a Blonde Female Engineer comes along and seeing the predicament she unbolts the flag pole lays it down and promptly measures the flag pole for the Irishman.
As she walks away one of the Irishman remarks "Typical, we wanted the height and all she gave us was the length."

With apologies to Blonde Female Engineers and Irishman.


Shawn

Offline mach70

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« Reply #16 on: April 30, 2007, 10:46:41 PM »
Whats Green and turns red at the flick of a switch?




Kermit in a blender.



Shawn

Offline FST68

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« Reply #17 on: May 01, 2007, 11:52:35 AM »
Ain't this the truth!!!


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great world of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.  "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Queensland, the most glorious place on earth. A land of sunshine, there are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of beautiful rain forests, magnificent islands and beaches, a beautiful reef, the world's finest sportsmen and women, artists, musicians, writers, philosophers, explorers and politicians. There is an abundance of minerals and fantastic farming land. It is a place where everyone from around the world will come for their holidays to relax and enjoy themselves. The people from Queensland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known through out the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

 

 

 

 

 



God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in New South Wales."


Appologies to the people that live in NSW

Offline FST68

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« Reply #18 on: May 01, 2007, 12:02:31 PM »
Aunty Sharon
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day
the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
 Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg
laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story  is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

 That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to
share?"

 "Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss."

Offline HEVEN67

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« Reply #19 on: May 01, 2007, 01:33:32 PM »
These one liners are getting long winded!
Why did the boy fall off his bike?





Cause someone threw a fridge at him!
See quality one liners!LOL:+
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




Real muscle cars have 3 pedals. Where theres smoke theres Tyres

Offline ron

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« Reply #20 on: May 01, 2007, 07:03:59 PM »
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?......   Because it was dead.           Circa 1980
Money is made to be spent.

Offline usa289

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« Reply #21 on: May 03, 2007, 04:35:52 PM »
Why did little Sally fall off the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms ....
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USA289
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Offline 2233

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« Reply #22 on: May 03, 2007, 05:31:48 PM »
Whats white got 4 wheels and gets beaten by something with 4 wheels and red?

echo's 68 :-:+

Offline HEVEN67

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« Reply #23 on: May 03, 2007, 07:26:49 PM »
Wats red and smokes like a chimney?
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




Real muscle cars have 3 pedals. Where theres smoke theres Tyres

Offline 2233

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« Reply #24 on: May 03, 2007, 07:29:34 PM »
A censored Aed C4?:+

Whats the verdict?

 

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